You wanna see Heaven!?

I'll take you there. You wanna be like me? Where you can fly? You can't see yourself in the mirror though. I looked at the sunlight this morning and got cooked in the face. I'm still a vampire though. My god lets me walk around in the sunlight. Rest in Peace good friend. Roderick "Rickie" Pulliam 1954-2012

Pole Vaulting

Sgt. Tagat came to my rescue when me and Eddy Murphy shot the place up. The place was a warehouse and it had all kinds of stuff in it. I pole vaulted over it! We put together a team and traveled the world. We saved a lady in Shang Hai. If I told you the true story they'd electrocute me. I was put in prision in the king's court and I'm still there! I'm still in that cell, but I come here for visitation. Now I'm a real estate agent. Houses... but it depends on what kind. These houses are expensive. I got me a job making sandwhiches for $3 and hour! Depends on what kind of house you want. There are all kinds, but my favorite kind is a Shao Lin Temple. Practice. 36 Chambers of Death! Kung Fu! We eat vegetables...

I'm a Cop!

I'm a cop where I come from but people don't believe me. I'm from Hong Kong, or Okanawa. Our vehicle is turned over. We were being chased by some guy. I was a cop for a while in Los Angeles. San Francisco beat with Dirty Harry. One of the worst kinds. Busted people for prositution. Busted 'em and locked 'em up in the back of the truck. The dirty cops are all dead. I'm more like a crime fighter now.... Like Batman and Robin. Back in the day we didn't have no bat mobile! I had a motorcycle. Honda 350! Nowadays I drive a Cadillac, but my crime fighting days aren't done. I was supposed to go to a Birthday Party at Chuckee Cheese, but I never made it. You wanna go now? I'll drive if you go in and get the pizzas? 5 of 'em. I see a doctor who put me on a special diet. Gatorade. Chuck Norris works at a pancake house off I5. You wanna go there and get some flap jacks? Look! I told you! My brother's a big time player! Get that through your head! Going around asking too many questions. Perry Mason was the best lawyer around. I keep telling you these things but you're hard headed! Logo is dangerous. Don't even think about that!

Kurt Russell is my Friend!

Someone stole my leather jacket, but I got it back! I don't wanna say who stole it... You say certain things and they'll get you into trouble. Half of the men I fought were trained by Master Han. Muslim head bands are red, black and yellow. There's a drug cartel in Singapore. Its run by the Baron. He's holdin up with a woman called Suzie. There's a new guy called Dr. Land. He wants a contract. Owns the Red Pepper Restaurant. Good food too. I own a restaurant called "GUN." 375 magnum. Don't worry, I'm licensed. I'm supposed to carry it with me everywhere for protection from the Mafia. Chinese Mafia. Big Trouble Little China... I was in that movie. Kurt Russell is my friend! Shogun assasin. Concord. We're making a real movie like Bruce Lee. Aunt Jamaima is a black woman. She has her own mayonaise, but she died on me. Her Mayo company is now mine, but Bruce Lee wants to take it. He's hard headed!

I'm the Beastmaster

I wanna ride a horse again. Look! Don't I look like the Lone Ranger? See, I get sick 'cause Dr. Hack says I choke. I'm chokin' right now cause I ain't got no water.

I'm the Beastmaster! I save people... like a hero. I AM a hero. I'm a tiger, a leopard. My brother's a Black Panther, and so am I. Well, he's got an organization called the Muslims. His name is Porter. They believe in Kala, the Elephant. Hare Krishna does too.

You have to behave yourself if you wanna know. Somebody blabbed and got shot last night. I heard it! The police beat up Mr. Harris. They said I should go visit him in the hospital. Well, it didn't happen yet, it was actually a premonition. Solitaire sees the future in cards. Ever see Live and Let Die? I'm more like a baby, but stong as Hercules! You don't wanna bother certain people cause they'll call a cop. I know a lady named Freedom!!!

The Holy Land

I been there already... Bangladesh! Sheri O'Brian!? You been to Bangladesh? They know some mean Martial Arts there! My Grandfather, Reverend Craig, is a teacher there. I grew a beard to fit in. Worked as a sculptor. Clay. Sculpting heads. Ron Ely. Doc Savage. Ron Ely disappeared though.

After Bangladesh I went to Israel.... Saw the Holy Land. It was alright as long as you know what you wanna do. Everyone has an equal opportunity. If you eat the "real" apple, you WILL get into trouble. I was in Rome and they treated me pretty bad... They bullwhipped me... so I turned the pillars over on them. My Mom is Kung Fu Mamma! POW! POW! POW!

Ricky-Claus

"I'm Santa-Claus! They celebrate Christmas where I come from. They have Christmas parties... my family. We eat cupcakes, candy, peanuts, walnuts, chestnuts... I used to drink beer, but it depends on the beer. Now I drink daiquiris. My favorite is the red daiquiri. Hey Big Frank!!?? Mayonnaise, mustard and pickles! Christmas is religious. Celebrating Jesus Christ. I guess he celebrates Christmas too. I don't know everything he does. On Star Trek they threw stones at a woman and He saved her. That's a bad way to go. The worst way would be to get shot like John Wayne. I like to eat. I like Christmas, New Years... whatever. Hey Big Frank!? A ruben sandwich!? (He's a hot dog vendor)."