I'm an Alien

"I'm Elvis! Saw James Brown for 99 cents. You wanna go with me? Get in my cadillac. We're finger painting. See, they're mad at me because I talk like a cave man. Trog. Ape. They got all kinds of movies. Elvis, king of rock n' roll, king of karate. I made a copper ring once and he stole it. I think so anyways.

I'm an expert on drugs and certain medical things. They want me to go back out west where the flatheads are. They got gold, just like we do. I don't want a lotta gold though.... that stuff will get you into trouble. Just ask Mr. T.

I'm an alien. I'm here illegally. Jumped ship. I'm from China. I don't look Chinese, but I am. Look closer! In China, you can get married at any age. Boy, girl, girl, boy. Religion can get you married and get you outta trouble. But they want you segregated though. Look it up in the Bible. I'm a different kind of Muslim. I eat pork. I have to. If you don't wanna eat healthy, that's your problem!

Now a computer tells you what to do. You can't even go out at night. Tells us when to go to bed, what time to eat! We have no more freedom. But I'm still in Holiday Park Plaza Hospital. They put me in a straight jacket and put cigars in my eyes. No wonder I'm blind. I'm already a prisoner. Gator McKlusky. If that laser beam comes back, it'll kill us all. Bowfield controls the beam and he killed on of my wives..."

Zombie Rick

I took Wednesday off... Had to. We went to the graveyard to see my grave. I'm buried, but I came back. Yeah, that would make me a zombie. I don't eat brains, but I eat snot. Well, I eat brains, but it depends on what kind of brains. I don't have a favorite kind. I cook mine in peanut oil, deep fried. Sometimes I use criso oil to bake things. I'd turn other people into zombies, but they're already zombies... All of 'em.

Our New Planet is Jupiter

"The Doctor prescribed me milk for my gunshot wound. My acting name is Bruce Lee. I've been an actor ever since Buck Rogers and the 24th century. I'm from the future. I have two ships. A ship is waiting you us now... me and you. We can only take so many people though. We're going home to our new planet because Godzilla attacked our other ship! The year I first came across Godzilla.....? I don't remember, but Master Po was still a kid. You can't defeat Godzilla. That's why we're outta here. See, the moon disappeared! Our moon is gone. Our new planet is Jupiter. It won't take long to get there. Depends on the tack number in the space ship. My planet has 4 moons, but where I come from only has two."

Not Our Country. Not Our Terrain.

I married Daisy Duke... The Sheriff gave me a badge, but someone took it away.

Even if they do cut me up on the table, I'll be alright. It was in Vietnam. A Russian General did it. We weren't supposed to be there though. Not our country. Not our terrain.

He's back. Me. I put leaches on my body for the bloodletting. Captain Kronis, Vampire Hunter. Dracula will bite anybody. That was the old one. The new on is Buck Rogers.

I was working with Monsignor and the Pope. I took the Pope's place and I'm still there. That's why I'm missing.

Something happened to Dracula's disciple! You ever hear about John Wayne? He's also a Colonel. And a Duke. Remember Grandpa? There's a Grandpa Dracula. He's the original.

Aquaman

You wanna ride a seahorse? I'm Aquaman. I'm a hero... or more like a crime fighter like Batman. I control the flying fish.

This is red berry juice on my lips from Pharoe Island. My girlfriend was attacked by a giant octopus called the Kraken. I rescued her though. I know a Kraken when I see one. He's Japanese, and he's after the berry juice. They're narcotic berries. More like medicine. I drank four bottles and fainted.

Bank Robbin'

I lived in Mexico, bank robbin. I got away too. We used .44s. I can handle myself when I shoot two .38 or .45s. I'm the left handed bandit. Right handed too.

What's that guys name that married Elizabeth Taylor before me? There's an ape and a dragon in my hand.... My ape. The Hercaloids. We're always getting attacked... by monsters and plants. There was a guy in Africa that was killing his own people. I don't know why.

I have a black eye. Some lady's husband gave it to me.

Big Kahuna or Mercury Morris the Second

Can I get a name tag that says Jupiter or Mars God of War?
I can't get the hang of wearing a daredevil suit.
I broke a billy club, so now I owe the police one.
And I confiscated a patrol car.
What can you do? Except for Karate and Kung Fu
Mom, can you explain about the patrol car?
Your fingernails tell you what to do.