Kurt Russell is my Friend!

Someone stole my leather jacket, but I got it back! I don't wanna say who stole it... You say certain things and they'll get you into trouble. Half of the men I fought were trained by Master Han. Muslim head bands are red, black and yellow. There's a drug cartel in Singapore. Its run by the Baron. He's holdin up with a woman called Suzie. There's a new guy called Dr. Land. He wants a contract. Owns the Red Pepper Restaurant. Good food too. I own a restaurant called "GUN." 375 magnum. Don't worry, I'm licensed. I'm supposed to carry it with me everywhere for protection from the Mafia. Chinese Mafia. Big Trouble Little China... I was in that movie. Kurt Russell is my friend! Shogun assasin. Concord. We're making a real movie like Bruce Lee. Aunt Jamaima is a black woman. She has her own mayonaise, but she died on me. Her Mayo company is now mine, but Bruce Lee wants to take it. He's hard headed!

I'm the Beastmaster

I wanna ride a horse again. Look! Don't I look like the Lone Ranger? See, I get sick 'cause Dr. Hack says I choke. I'm chokin' right now cause I ain't got no water.

I'm the Beastmaster! I save people... like a hero. I AM a hero. I'm a tiger, a leopard. My brother's a Black Panther, and so am I. Well, he's got an organization called the Muslims. His name is Porter. They believe in Kala, the Elephant. Hare Krishna does too.

You have to behave yourself if you wanna know. Somebody blabbed and got shot last night. I heard it! The police beat up Mr. Harris. They said I should go visit him in the hospital. Well, it didn't happen yet, it was actually a premonition. Solitaire sees the future in cards. Ever see Live and Let Die? I'm more like a baby, but stong as Hercules! You don't wanna bother certain people cause they'll call a cop. I know a lady named Freedom!!!

The Holy Land

I been there already... Bangladesh! Sheri O'Brian!? You been to Bangladesh? They know some mean Martial Arts there! My Grandfather, Reverend Craig, is a teacher there. I grew a beard to fit in. Worked as a sculptor. Clay. Sculpting heads. Ron Ely. Doc Savage. Ron Ely disappeared though.

After Bangladesh I went to Israel.... Saw the Holy Land. It was alright as long as you know what you wanna do. Everyone has an equal opportunity. If you eat the "real" apple, you WILL get into trouble. I was in Rome and they treated me pretty bad... They bullwhipped me... so I turned the pillars over on them. My Mom is Kung Fu Mamma! POW! POW! POW!

Ricky-Claus

"I'm Santa-Claus! They celebrate Christmas where I come from. They have Christmas parties... my family. We eat cupcakes, candy, peanuts, walnuts, chestnuts... I used to drink beer, but it depends on the beer. Now I drink daiquiris. My favorite is the red daiquiri. Hey Big Frank!!?? Mayonnaise, mustard and pickles! Christmas is religious. Celebrating Jesus Christ. I guess he celebrates Christmas too. I don't know everything he does. On Star Trek they threw stones at a woman and He saved her. That's a bad way to go. The worst way would be to get shot like John Wayne. I like to eat. I like Christmas, New Years... whatever. Hey Big Frank!? A ruben sandwich!? (He's a hot dog vendor)."

I'm an Alien

"I'm Elvis! Saw James Brown for 99 cents. You wanna go with me? Get in my cadillac. We're finger painting. See, they're mad at me because I talk like a cave man. Trog. Ape. They got all kinds of movies. Elvis, king of rock n' roll, king of karate. I made a copper ring once and he stole it. I think so anyways.

I'm an expert on drugs and certain medical things. They want me to go back out west where the flatheads are. They got gold, just like we do. I don't want a lotta gold though.... that stuff will get you into trouble. Just ask Mr. T.

I'm an alien. I'm here illegally. Jumped ship. I'm from China. I don't look Chinese, but I am. Look closer! In China, you can get married at any age. Boy, girl, girl, boy. Religion can get you married and get you outta trouble. But they want you segregated though. Look it up in the Bible. I'm a different kind of Muslim. I eat pork. I have to. If you don't wanna eat healthy, that's your problem!

Now a computer tells you what to do. You can't even go out at night. Tells us when to go to bed, what time to eat! We have no more freedom. But I'm still in Holiday Park Plaza Hospital. They put me in a straight jacket and put cigars in my eyes. No wonder I'm blind. I'm already a prisoner. Gator McKlusky. If that laser beam comes back, it'll kill us all. Bowfield controls the beam and he killed on of my wives..."

Zombie Rick

I took Wednesday off... Had to. We went to the graveyard to see my grave. I'm buried, but I came back. Yeah, that would make me a zombie. I don't eat brains, but I eat snot. Well, I eat brains, but it depends on what kind of brains. I don't have a favorite kind. I cook mine in peanut oil, deep fried. Sometimes I use criso oil to bake things. I'd turn other people into zombies, but they're already zombies... All of 'em.

Our New Planet is Jupiter

"The Doctor prescribed me milk for my gunshot wound. My acting name is Bruce Lee. I've been an actor ever since Buck Rogers and the 24th century. I'm from the future. I have two ships. A ship is waiting you us now... me and you. We can only take so many people though. We're going home to our new planet because Godzilla attacked our other ship! The year I first came across Godzilla.....? I don't remember, but Master Po was still a kid. You can't defeat Godzilla. That's why we're outta here. See, the moon disappeared! Our moon is gone. Our new planet is Jupiter. It won't take long to get there. Depends on the tack number in the space ship. My planet has 4 moons, but where I come from only has two."