The Holy Land

I been there already... Bangladesh! Sheri O'Brian!? You been to Bangladesh? They know some mean Martial Arts there! My Grandfather, Reverend Craig, is a teacher there. I grew a beard to fit in. Worked as a sculptor. Clay. Sculpting heads. Ron Ely. Doc Savage. Ron Ely disappeared though.

After Bangladesh I went to Israel.... Saw the Holy Land. It was alright as long as you know what you wanna do. Everyone has an equal opportunity. If you eat the "real" apple, you WILL get into trouble. I was in Rome and they treated me pretty bad... They bullwhipped me... so I turned the pillars over on them. My Mom is Kung Fu Mamma! POW! POW! POW!

Ricky-Claus

"I'm Santa-Claus! They celebrate Christmas where I come from. They have Christmas parties... my family. We eat cupcakes, candy, peanuts, walnuts, chestnuts... I used to drink beer, but it depends on the beer. Now I drink daiquiris. My favorite is the red daiquiri. Hey Big Frank!!?? Mayonnaise, mustard and pickles! Christmas is religious. Celebrating Jesus Christ. I guess he celebrates Christmas too. I don't know everything he does. On Star Trek they threw stones at a woman and He saved her. That's a bad way to go. The worst way would be to get shot like John Wayne. I like to eat. I like Christmas, New Years... whatever. Hey Big Frank!? A ruben sandwich!? (He's a hot dog vendor)."

I'm an Alien

"I'm Elvis! Saw James Brown for 99 cents. You wanna go with me? Get in my cadillac. We're finger painting. See, they're mad at me because I talk like a cave man. Trog. Ape. They got all kinds of movies. Elvis, king of rock n' roll, king of karate. I made a copper ring once and he stole it. I think so anyways.

I'm an expert on drugs and certain medical things. They want me to go back out west where the flatheads are. They got gold, just like we do. I don't want a lotta gold though.... that stuff will get you into trouble. Just ask Mr. T.

I'm an alien. I'm here illegally. Jumped ship. I'm from China. I don't look Chinese, but I am. Look closer! In China, you can get married at any age. Boy, girl, girl, boy. Religion can get you married and get you outta trouble. But they want you segregated though. Look it up in the Bible. I'm a different kind of Muslim. I eat pork. I have to. If you don't wanna eat healthy, that's your problem!

Now a computer tells you what to do. You can't even go out at night. Tells us when to go to bed, what time to eat! We have no more freedom. But I'm still in Holiday Park Plaza Hospital. They put me in a straight jacket and put cigars in my eyes. No wonder I'm blind. I'm already a prisoner. Gator McKlusky. If that laser beam comes back, it'll kill us all. Bowfield controls the beam and he killed on of my wives..."

Zombie Rick

I took Wednesday off... Had to. We went to the graveyard to see my grave. I'm buried, but I came back. Yeah, that would make me a zombie. I don't eat brains, but I eat snot. Well, I eat brains, but it depends on what kind of brains. I don't have a favorite kind. I cook mine in peanut oil, deep fried. Sometimes I use criso oil to bake things. I'd turn other people into zombies, but they're already zombies... All of 'em.

Our New Planet is Jupiter

"The Doctor prescribed me milk for my gunshot wound. My acting name is Bruce Lee. I've been an actor ever since Buck Rogers and the 24th century. I'm from the future. I have two ships. A ship is waiting you us now... me and you. We can only take so many people though. We're going home to our new planet because Godzilla attacked our other ship! The year I first came across Godzilla.....? I don't remember, but Master Po was still a kid. You can't defeat Godzilla. That's why we're outta here. See, the moon disappeared! Our moon is gone. Our new planet is Jupiter. It won't take long to get there. Depends on the tack number in the space ship. My planet has 4 moons, but where I come from only has two."

Not Our Country. Not Our Terrain.

I married Daisy Duke... The Sheriff gave me a badge, but someone took it away.

Even if they do cut me up on the table, I'll be alright. It was in Vietnam. A Russian General did it. We weren't supposed to be there though. Not our country. Not our terrain.

He's back. Me. I put leaches on my body for the bloodletting. Captain Kronis, Vampire Hunter. Dracula will bite anybody. That was the old one. The new on is Buck Rogers.

I was working with Monsignor and the Pope. I took the Pope's place and I'm still there. That's why I'm missing.

Something happened to Dracula's disciple! You ever hear about John Wayne? He's also a Colonel. And a Duke. Remember Grandpa? There's a Grandpa Dracula. He's the original.

Aquaman

You wanna ride a seahorse? I'm Aquaman. I'm a hero... or more like a crime fighter like Batman. I control the flying fish.

This is red berry juice on my lips from Pharoe Island. My girlfriend was attacked by a giant octopus called the Kraken. I rescued her though. I know a Kraken when I see one. He's Japanese, and he's after the berry juice. They're narcotic berries. More like medicine. I drank four bottles and fainted.